One day, Margaux Hemingway, at the height of her beauty, walked by. Une bonne —the French for maid was how Claude cut her dead. It was like I made her, and I can destroy her. Her prison number was which was good luck in China but not in California. There will always be prostitution, The prostitution of misery. And the prostitution of bourgeois luxury.
They will both go on forever. She was tiny, blond, perfectly coiffed and Chanel-clad. My Swans. It reached the point where if you walked into a room in London or Rome as much as Paris because the girls were transportable, and saw a girl who was better-dressed, better-looking, and more distinguished than the others you presumed it was a girl from Claude. I played a little the role of Pygmalion. There were basic things that absolutely had to be done.
Often they had to be transformed into dream creatures because at the start they were not at all Often I had to teach them how to dress. Often they needed help to repair what nature had given them which was not so beautiful. At first they had to be tall, with pretty gestures, good manners. There was a lot to do. Eight times out of ten I had to teach them how to behave in society. There were official dinners, suppers, weekends, and they needed to have conversation. I insisted they learn to speak English, read certain books.
I interrogated them on what they read. You were very demanding? I was ferocious. To find yourself in front of a king, three princes, four ministers, and five ambassadors at an official dinner. There were the wives of those people! Day after day one had to explain, explain again, start again. It took about two years.
What is that girl doing here? They were lovely. The johns wanted everyone to know who they were. You asked them where they came from and they all said Neuilly. Claude liked girls from good families. More to the point she had invented their backgrounds. I have known, because of what I did, some exceptional and fascinating men.
Ah, this question of the handbag. You would be amazed by how much dust accumulates. She would examine their teeth and finally she would make them undress. That was a difficult moment When they arrived they were very shy, a bit frightened. Then there was a disagreeable moment. It was very funny because there were always two reactions. There was nothing to hide, everything was perfect. There were those who would start timidly to take off their dress and I would say I knew already.
The rest is not sadism, but nearly. I knew what I was going to find. Because otherwise she would have taken it off easily. No problem. There were damages that could be mended. So I had some boys, good friends, who told me exactly. A pleasant assignment? They paid. Often at the beginning they had an ami de coeur in other words, oh, a journalist, a photographer, a type like that, someone in the cinema, an actor, not very well known.
The fact of physically changing, becoming prettier, changing mentally to live with millionaires, produced a certain imbalance between them and the little boyfriend who had not evolved and had stayed in his milieu. Why am I with this boy? And they would break up by themselves. Remember, this was instant elevation. They would buy you presents, take you on trips. He was jealous too. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say: Break my legs, give me scarlet fever, an attack of TB, but never that.
Not that. I called her into my office Let us not exaggerate, I sent her away. She came back looking for employment, but was fired again, this time for drugs. She made menacing phone calls. Then she arrived at the Rue de Boulainvilliers with a gun. I had a padded dress with a little jacket on top.
I was thrown forward onto the telephone. I had one thought which went through my head: I will die like Kennedy. I turned round and put my hand up in a reflex. The second bullet went through my hand. I have two dead fingers. In the corridor I was saved from the third bullet because she was very tall and I am quite petite, so it passed over my head. I was a little sadistic to them sometimes. I had them all here. She will take many state secrets with her. I was ugly and I suffered for it, although not to the point of obsession.
And the best way to have beautiful people around me was to make them. I made them very pretty. She makes a list of what she wants done, and she really gets into it I mean, she wants you to get your arms waxed. She gives you names of people who do good facials. She tells you what to buy at Neiman Marcus. She wants to see you do well. These men wanted to talk.
If they spent two hours with a girl, they usually spent only five or ten minutes in bed. I get the feeling that in Los Angeles, men are more concerned with looks. That was my big idea Not to expand the book by aggressive marketing but to make sure that nobody mistook my girls for run-of-the-mill hookers. And I kept my roster fresh. I screen clients. I let the men know: no violence, no costumes, no fudge-packing. And I talked to my girls.
Save your money. This is like a hangar —you come in, refuel, and take off. This buys the singing lessons, the dancing lessons, the glossies. To say someone was a Claude girl is an honour, not a slur. Une femme terrible. She despised men and women alike. Men were wallets. Women were holes.
By the 80s, if you were a brunette, the sky was the limit. Since my second husband died, I only met one man who was right for me, He was a sheikh. I visited him in Europe twenty-eight times in the five years I knew him and I never slept with him. When I was in Los Angeles, he called me twice a day. Pina Colapinto A petite call girl, who once slid between the sheets of royalty, a green-eyed blonde helped the police get the indictment.
They really dolled her up She looks great. Madam Alex died at 7 p. Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where she had been in intensive care after recent open heart surgery We all held her hand when they took her off the life support This was the passing of a legend.
Because she was the mother superior of prostitution. She was one of the richest women on earth. The world came to her. She never had to leave the house. She was like Hugh Hefner in that way. It's like losing a friend In all the years we played cat and mouse, she never once tried to corrupt me. We had a lot of fun. To those who knew her she was as constant as she was colorful always ready with a good tidbit of gossip and a gourmet lunch for two. She entertained, even after her conviction on pandering charges, from the comfy depths of her blue four-poster bed at her home near Doheny Drive, surrounded by knickknacks and meowing cats, which she fed fresh shrimp from blue china plates.
She stole my business, my books, my girls, my guys. I had a good run. My creatures. Make Mommy happy Oh! He is the most enchanting cat that I have ever known. She was, how can I say it, classy. When she first hired me she thought I was too young to take her case. I was I'm going to give you some gray hairs by the time this is over. She was right. I was fond of Heidi But she has a streak that is so vindictive.
If there is pure evil, it is Madame Alex. I was born and raised in L. My dad was a famous pediatrician. When he died, they donated a bench to him at the Griffith Park Observatory. I think that Heidi wanted to try her wings pretty early, and I think that she met some people who sort of took all her potential and gave it a sharp turn She knew nothing.
She was like a little parrot who repeated what she was supposed to say. Alex and I had a very intense relationship; I was kind of like the daughter she loved and hated, so she was abusive and loving at the same time. Look, I know Madam Alex was great at what she did but it's like this: What took her years to build, I built in one. The high end is the high end, and no one has a higher end than me. In this business, no one steals clients. There's just better service. You were not allowed to have long hair You were not allowed to be too pretty You were not allowed to wear too much makeup or be too glamorous Because someone would fall in love with you and take you away.
I was pursued because come on in our lifetime, we will never see another girl of my age who lived the way I did, who did what I did so quickly, I made so many enemies. Some people had been in this line of business for their whole lives, 30 or 40 years, and I came in and cornered the market.
Men don't like that. Women don't like that. No one liked it. I had this spiritual awakening watching an Oprah Winfrey video. I was doing this hour drug class and one day the teacher showed us this video, called something like Make It Happen.
Usually in class I would bring a notebook and write a letter to my brother or my journal, but all of a sudden this grabbed my attention and I understood everything she said. It hit me and it changed me a lot. It made me feel, Accept yourself for who you are. I saw a deeper meaning in it but who knows, I might have just been getting my period that day!
Hello, Gina! You movie star! Yes you are! Gina G! Hello my friend, Hello my friend, Hello my movie star, Ruby! Ruby Boobie! Except so many women say, Come on, Heidi you gotta do the brothel for us; don't let us down. It would be kind of fun opening up an exclusive resort, and I'll make it really nice, like the Beverly Hills Hotel It'll feel private; you'll have your own bungalow.
The only problem out here is the climate—it's so brutal. Charles Manson was captured a half hour from Pahrump. I said, Joe! What are you doing? Get, like, some weird tools and write, These were the first abortion tools in the brothel, you know what I mean? I'm Heidi Fleiss. I don't need anyone. I can do this. When I was doing my research, in three months I saw land go from 30 thousand an acre to 50 thousand an acre, and then it was going for 70K!
It's urban sprawl —we're only one hour from Las Vegas. Out here the casinos are only going to get bigger, prostitution is legal, it's only getting better. It's not my style at all. Who wants to be 75 and facing federal charges? It was different at my age when I at least I was 22, 25 at the time? But the money was really good. I feel like they're good luck though I do feel that if I ever get rid of them, I will be jinxed and cursed the rest of my life and nothing I do will ever work again.
Guys kind of are a hindrance to me Certainly I have no problem getting laid or anything. But a man is not a priority in my life. I mean, it's crazy, but I really have fun with my parrots. I started a babysitting circle when I wasn't much older than 9 And soon all the parents in the neighborhood wanted me to watch over their children. Even then I had an innate business sense. I started farming out my friends to meet the demand. My mother showered me with love and my father, a pediatrician, would ask me at the dinner table, What did you learn today?
I ran my neighborhood. I just pick up a hustle really easily, I was a waitress and I met an older guy who looked like Santa Claus. Alex was a 5' 3" bald-headed Filipina in a transparent muu muu. We hit it off. I didn't know at the time that I was there to pay off the guy's gambling debt.
It's in and out, over and out. Do you think some big-time producer or actor is going to go to the clubs and hustle? Jeez, it's like the Nixon enemies list. I hope I'm on it. If I'm not, it means I must not be big enough for people to gossip about me. That's right ladies and gentlemen. If you live out here, you've got to hate people. You've got to be pretty antisocial How you gonna come out here with only 86 people? That's Fred. He's digging to China.
You look good. Yeah, you too. It's coming along here. Yeah, it is. I wanted to buy that lot there, but I guess it's gone? That's mine, man! That's all me. I thought there was a lot between us. We're neighbors. He's a cute guy He's entertaining. See, I kind of did do something shady to him.
I thought my property went all the way back and butted up against his. But there was one lot between us right there. He said he was buying it, but I saw the 'For Sale' sign still up there, So I went and called the broker and said, I'm an all-cash buyer. So I really bought it out from under him. But he's got plenty of room, and I need the space for my parrots.
Pahrump will always be Pahrump, but Crystal is going to be nice All you need are four or five fancy houses and it'll flush everyone out and it'll be a nice area. They're all kind of weird here, but these people will go. It's just, people are destroying it. Where they can really do what they're supposed to do. There were over birds in there! That lady, She ran the exotic-birds department for the Tropicana Hotel, which is a huge job. She called me once at in the morning Come over here and help me feed this baby!
Some baby parrot. And I ran over there in my pajamas —I knew there was something else wrong and she was like Get me my oxygen! Get me this, get me that. I called my dad; he was like, I don't know, honey, you better call the paramedics. They ended up getting a helicopter. And they were taking her away in the wind with her IV and blood and everything and she goes, Heidi, you take care of my birds.
And she dies the next day. She was just a super-duper person. I relate to the lifestyle she had before, Now, I'm just a citizen. I'm proud to say I know her. I look into her eyes and we relate. I got out in , so I've been sending her money for seven years She was…whatever. Yeah, maybe. She gets out in about eight or nine months and I told her I would get her a house. But nowhere near me. I didn't touch her, but I'd be, like I'm not a lesbian. Then about two years ago, I got an e-mail from her, or she called me and said, 'Google my name.
She won, like, Woman of the Year awards. So I called her and I go, Not bad. She goes, 'Well, I did all that because you called me a loser. No person shall be employed by the licensee who has ever been convicted of a felony involving moral turpitude But I qualify, I mean, big deal, so I'm a convicted felon. You've got to be hustling. Who was it, Oscar Wilde, I think, who said people can adjust to anything. We had done those drug addiction shows together Dr.
Afterward we were friendly and he'd call me every now and then. He'd act like he had his stuff together. But it was all a lie. Everything is a lie. I brought him to a Humane Society event at Paramount Studios last year. He was just such a mess.
So out of it. He stole money from my purse. He's such a drug addict because he's so afraid of being fat. Better than Meryl Streep. The cops could see why these women were taking over trade. One thing they are not is lazy. In the USSR they grew up with no religion, no morality. Prostitution is not considered a bad thing.
What we saw was just a tip of the iceberg. They knew exactly what they wanted and what they were getting into. They are all backstabbers. David John Mowers Mar Americans, well, at least in the media believe that the way to change behaviors is to punish either criminally, civilly or socially anyone who doesn't fit the societal norm.
Think about that for a minute, Permanent anger and hatred. American society therefore can be said to relish hatred and permanent anger as a way of life for all of it's citizens since every single person whom is inflicted with pain upon suffering will be assured to continue inflicting whatever pain and suffering they can on everyone else the rest of their life. So your only solution is to remove these souls from society permanently.
Was that the intent? Is that the goal? Do we need law, rules and fantasy crimes for every single thing a person says or does? Is the endgame to remove these from society or to reform them? Imagine now, America arrests or imprisons one million people per year for using drugs, Lot of bad guys off the streets huh? Let's put that another way shall we? America ruins a million people a year. America creates a million 'soon-to-be' violent felons every year.
Forty million people! Hatred as a virtue. That is one out of every seven people in The United States. Hatred perpetuated. That is American culture and that is why Black Lives Matter. Jessie Nov Chase The Moment Oct A Gambling Game. Kendall Mallon Jul Final Voyage manuscript so far. Home: A man sat upon a tall pub stool stroking his ginger beard while grasping a pint loosely in his other hand. An elderly gent stood next to him. A woman with eyes of amber and hair as chestnut strolled through a vineyard amongst the ripening grapes full of juice to soon become wine.
When the ginger bearded man finished the final drops of his stout, another appeared heretofore him—courtesy owed to the elder gentleman. Certain events have led me to be separate from my wife. For five eternal years I have been traveling— waiting to be in her embrace. The force of the Sea, she, is a cruel one. For 40 it seams: at every tack or gybe the farther off I am thrown from my homeward direction to stranger and stranger lands… I have gone to the graveyard of hell and the pearly gates of the so called heaven; I have engaged in foolhardy deals—made bets only a gambling addict would place.
All to just be with Zara. Do you, by chance, own a vessel that can fair to Colorado? Grey Irish skies turned blue as they made their way out on the Irish Sea, southwest, toward the southern end of the Appalachian Island. The gentle biting spray of the waves breaking over the bow and beam moistened the ginger bearded face of Abraham; his tattooed hands grasped the helm—his resolute stare kept him and the old man acutely on course. Never had the old man seen his ship sail as fast as he did when Abraham accorded its deck—each sail set without flaw: easing and trimming sheets fractions of an inch—purely to obtain the slightest gain in speed; the display warmed the heart of the old man.
Reluctantly stalwart Abraham gave in and retire below deck—yet the old man doubted the amount of rest that he acquired in those moments out of his sight. The southern craggy cape of the Appalachian Island pierced the horizon. The Great Plains Sea—his final sea—he would not miss the gleam of his lighthouse stalwart on shore. This is the Final Voyage epic thus far. I am converting Home into blank verse and it is taking longer than I thought to do; which is why that part is incomplete here.
I also added line numbers. I changed The names as well. Jordan Nov We were both gamblers, And darling, we were all in. Knowing there was a possibility Of holes left in our hearts being unable to mend. I know life always has a way of leaving us broken, but darling, for tonight, let's pretend. Risking the chance we could be left with nothing, we put in all we had. But in the end, even though we lost everything, life didn't seem so bad. We knew what we were getting ourselves into.
All or nothing It just so happens that this time, Life chose nothing. But we still somehow believed that we had gained from something. We had discovered sides of ourselves that the other brought to light, And they were worth knowing, even though now, we are simply a lost dream in the night. From every experience that fails, find something that has made you stronger because of it. Life is Adicted to Gambling.
Some people catch a chance Make it big Cash it in And make their dreams come true But for every hit There's ten misses For every love Twenty hates Life's a gamble Either way And I'm not saying that it's right That some people find happiness twice And others never Find it at all But God giveth and He taketh away Yet we still have faith Because it's the only way We'll make it through Another day Believing one more chance Is always on its way.
This is somewhat quick in pace within my mind, almost like a rap. Faith doesn't necessarily mean in God. It can be in yourself, or others, or just faith that the sun will rise again tomorrow. Everyone's got faith, even if they don't know it. Maggie Emmett Aug The Mathematics of Poverty.
The poor keep moving as if relocation could reframe the algebra. They cannot see that repetition traces patterns in their life. New beginnings become as hopeless as stale finales of debt and desperation. Wishful thinking makes for certainties gambling against the odds of possibilities. If they stood still and mapped the moment both sides of the equation would simplify and they might construct a new geometry of anger. Jim Morrison. Street Pizza. So that I can write poetry.
As the body is ravaged the spirit grows stronger. Forgive me Father for I know what I do. I want to hear the last Poem of the last Poet. World According to Cosmos Updates March 3, Note: I am taking a two week trip to Vietnam and will update my blog when I return with my reflections on my trip, updated publications etc. Cosmic Dreams and Nightmares I don't dream dreams.
I dream movies complete with action, music, food, smells everything. About a month before I graduated, I fell asleep in a physics class after lunch and had the first dream: A beautiful Asian woman was standing next to me, talking in a strange language. She was stunning—the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
She was in her early twenties, with long black hair, and piercing black eyes. She had the look of royalty. She looked at me and then disappeared, beamed out of my dream like in Star Trek. About a month went by, and then I started having the dream repeatedly. Always the same pattern. Early morning, she would stand next to me talking.
I would ask who she was, and she would disappear. She was the most beautiful, alluring woman I had ever seen. I was struck speechless every time I had the dream. I had the dream every month during the eight years during which I went to college and served in the Peace Corps. The night before I had to submit my decision, I had the dream again and it made me sure that she was in Korea waiting for me. I got a job working for the U.
Army as an instructor and stayed in Korea. I kept having the dream, until I had the very last one: She was standing next to me, speaking to me in Korean, but I finally understood her. Because the very next night, the girl in my dream got off the bus in front of me. She went on to the base with an acquaintance of mine, a fellow teacher, and they went to see a movie.
I saw her and found the courage to speak with her. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet that weekend. The next night, she was waiting for me as I entered the Army base to teach a class. She told me she was a college senior and she had something to tell me.
I signed her on to the base and left her at the library to study while I taught, and then we went out for coffee after class. She told me she was madly in love with me, and that I was the man for her. I told her not to worry as I felt the same. That weekend, we met Saturday and Sunday and hung out all day. On Sunday night, I proposed to her. It was only three days after we had met, but for me it felt like we had met eight years ago.
I had been waiting all my life for her to walk out of my dreams and into my life, and here she was. Her mother did not want her to marry a foreigner. One day, about a month after we met, she invited me to meet her parents. I brought a bottle of Jack Daniels for her father and drank the entire bottle with him.
He approved of me, but her mother still had reservations. After a Buddhist priest told her my future wife and I were a perfect astrological combination, she agreed, and we planned our wedding. The wedding was a media sensation in South Korea.
My wife explained it to me years later. My wife was of the old royal clan, distant relatives to the former kings of Korea. My father, who was a former Undersecretary of Labor, came out for the wedding, which fueled even more media interest. Our marriage defied the stereotypical Korean-foreign marriage where the women married some hapless GI just to escape poverty and immigrate to the U.
Over 1, people came to the wedding, and my father was interviewed on the morning news programs. This all happened thirty-seven years ago, 45 years since the first dream and I am still married to the girl in my dreams. Now in my dreams she watches over me when we are apart. General Zod Conquers the World SETI and the search for extraterrestrial life goes on overdrive when scientists report what appears to be radio and television broadcasts from a planet eight light years from earth, the same planet as the Vulcans came from in the Star Trek universe.
The programs show a world where dinosaur-like creatures are running the world and there appears to be a civil war. Over the next six months, the world is transfixed watching the alien broadcasts which are translated in English via a supercomputer program. In the broadcast, a nuclear war has occurred.
The surviving party regains absolute control and announces the formation of the Galactic Empire. General Zod is the First Emperor. They have discovered Earth as well. The aliens launch a crash project to develop interstellar travel so they can come to earth and conquer the earth. The revelations that there is an external threat to the planet causes the United Nations to get together with the help of the United States and Russia another space powers, they put together Space defense International organization and also invigorates efforts to make the UN a real Planetary government including finally conquering climate change.
But it was too late. He makes a broadcast saying that they were liberating Earth in the name of the Galactic Empire and that resistance would be futile. They land at the White House and when President Trump comes out to greet them, General Zod cuts off his head, and then cuts off the heads of all the staffers as they come out White House. Life will continue as before as long as people behave and follow the rules they would be fine Resistance to the new empire will be met with instant death.
Life in the Empire is not a democracy. The state is everything. As long as humans remember that they would be just fine. They took over the United States because it was the biggest country in the world. And that his forces will take over the rest of the world but in the next couple weeks. If people on earth accept the new order, their safety would be guaranteed. Companies would be taken over by Galactic Empire companies, and everybody would have to learn Galactic standard.
Within one year older languages will be banned. Sam Adams Vs. He could not sleep. He got up at 4 am and wrote in his journal and tried to cope with the dread that was overwhelming him. He had received the summons yesterday that he was to report to the social cleansing board for a review on whether he would allow to continue to be on the automatic permit list or would be referred for final status determination. Sam was a retired Federal worker trying to live on dwindling savings.
Two years before he had been released from prison, one of millions of ex political prisoners. His crime? Authoring anti-government poems just before the beginning of the Christian States of America, right after the second civil war.
Unfortunately for him and his millions of ex-prisoners, his side lost the war. He wanted to flee to the United Provinces and settle down in California but lacked money to move. All of which added up to a 90 percent probability his last days were approaching.
Under the new rules imposed by the Christian republican party in the newly established Christian states, all citizens over the age of 18 were on the permitted list if they met all of the following criteria. He tried to think why he was being referred to the board. Perhaps it was because of the recent crackdown on social deviancy. Millions of homosexuals, transgenered people, atheists, drug users, alcoholics, and non-religious people had been rounded up and eliminated according to the rumors.
Perhaps someone had fingered him as a possible deviant. And he was not racially pure having some black blood, some Asian blood and some Jewish blood. And he had married across the racial divide which was now illegal. The story was that if you flipped and named names you would sometimes be spared for now, and if your info was correct, you could be rewarded. He used racetracks in his writing, as settings, metaphors and in simple matters of how his character dealt with the game.
Even among those that frequented tracks offering one of the breeds day and night, Bukowski genuinely loved harness racing. He specified elements of harness racing in poems and books. There are other Bukowski poems about harness racing sprinkled in his books, but to my knowledge, poetry itself has eluded harness racing. Advanced searches at major search engines and all of my literary connections come up empty.
Knowing his work very well, which emphasized how dearly he demanded privacy, I never approached him for any possible reason. However, I was with a friend one balmy night at Los Alamitos and he had no problem approaching Bukowski, even though the author was doing all he could to stay under the celebrity radar. I waited while my friend walked to the far side of the grandstand, where Bukowski sat surrounded by empty seats, drinking coffee and reading his racing program.
Not too long later, my friend found me standing behind the box-seat area. He was all smiles. I looked over to where Bukowski was sitting and he was still there. I thought he might find another spot to sit since a fan invaded his space, so to speak. He looked comfortable, calm and—dare I say it—happy. All rights reserved.
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I'm number eight -- riding in the next race. It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties. Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls. He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing. As a last resort he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. Hold on, says the Rabbi, you never told me it was a Jewish horse. The lady says, 'That's not a pig you drunken idiot, it's a greyhound' and the drunk replies, 'I was talking to the greyhound'.
Leading easily after the last he pulls up too early and two horse go past him. After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner. He was called in front of the Stewards where he stuck a pin in himself.
The Stewards said to him, 'not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!
He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence. Thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second. He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon.
While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal? The trainer tells Lester that this is the worst horse he has in training, it has had 23 races and finished last in all of them, if it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning. Lester mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and Lester is 30 lengths last after half a furlong, he gives the horse an almighty backhander on the behind, nothing, he then gives him a series of sharp slaps down the shoulder, nothing, he then gives him two wallops right on the bollocks, the horse comes to a sudden stop, turns round to Lester and says "for christ sake will you turn it in with that whip I have to be up at half four in the morning to deliver the milk"!
The jockey replied 'how am going to fit on then? On the trip into London he told the driver he had flown over from Singapore to back one of the horses he owned in a race at Newbury. His trainer told him that this was the big one and he was positive the horse would win at a big price. Being an obssesive gambler the cabbie couldn't wait from him to tell him the name of the horse.
His mate said to him what are you going to do with that, the first man replied 'race it' his mate then said well by the looks of it you will win! Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? In case he takes offence a fence. A leading trainer was given an eye test and was presented with a new pair of glasses. It's too much. He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail.
You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me". A horse was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket. At first the captain was taken aback by the talking horse, but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the horse out as opening bat.
The horse shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six. He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended. He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end and the captain managed his first hit for a meagre single he called for the horse to run.
But the horse just stood there. Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored and in the confusion the skipper was stumped out. Two disgruntled evidently losing punters had been consoling themselves in the bar at Kempton, and after the meeting were walking it off on the course. A jockey was unsaddling his horse at Huntingdon racecourse after his horse had trailed in at the back of the field says: "That's not his trip, guv'nor, i think he'd get three miles. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
It did, but all the others galloped. I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go? A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly.
A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right.
To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.
Did you hear about the horse that got a job in a watch factory? All he did was stand around making faces. A man's car stalls on a country road. When he gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans over by him.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He tells the farmer his story. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. Hi Genna, once gambling gets hold of you it is hard to break free.
Fortunately, I was able to but it took a long time. Thanks for reading and the kind comment. I'm grateful that I was never hooked on gambling, but how brave of you, John, to break that habit and addiction. To me, it is too scary, and I keep thinking of that old adage, "The House always wins.
Thank you for the generous comment, Sean. Yes, It is an easy trap to fall into. Please feel free to use these poems. Gambling is like drugs, and unfortunately, I can see some of my young students to be already trapped in the soccer betting! I try to explain them the trap, but Larry, you are fortunate.
That is exactly how people get hooked, they have one big win or a run of luck and they mistakenly think that will happen regularly. It doesn't. I've never understood gambling, but I'm very unlucky, so I've never had a run of luck where I had that false allusion that you could win.
So have I Mike. It has to be rigged. Now, it's only once a year on the Melbourne Cup. Thanks Ralph, as a self-confessed ex-gambling addict I can confirm that it is. Though horse racing was my only weakness, nothing else excited me. Hey Linda, good for you. Yes Lottery is just that "a tax on stupidity. Very few gamblers are ever ahead of the game, and it ruins lives and families. Thanks Eric. I have never been to a casino well only to watch events like boxing..
I try to avoid the knife-pulling. Glad you enjoyed this. Bill, horse racing is my weakness too. I used to scrape together my last few cents to put on that "sure thing. I work too hard for my money. I've heard the State lottery called "a tax on stupidity. Some of the saddest things I have ever seen are the vacant souls sitting at the slot machines in Las Vegas, hoping that with just "one more" they will win the jackpot, and they probably can least afford to be there.
In it to win it..